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The Outdoor Idiot's Knife
Submitted by An Outdoor Idiots Team Member.
Our web statistics have revealed a glitch in the Matrix recently. Our
article on
how to pitch a tarp has been receiving an inordinate amount of traffic. The rather
large video file has been downloaded hundreds of times.
At first, we feared this might cause bandwidth problems. We had, after all, been operating on the assumption that we would never have more than one concurrent user (you know who you are!). Fortunately, we've checked the fine print from our web space provider, and we think there shouldn't be a problem.
One worry still remains, however. A lot of traffic has come from the wonderful Bushcraft UK site. So, either they are laughing at us, or, more worryingly, they are under the illusion that anyone at Outdoor Idiots.com has some competence in the field of "bushcraft".
Just in case it is the latter, we have thought long and hard about how we can dispel any such illusions. And here is our answer. We've asked our most "bushcrafty" team member to do an article for us. And, we asked him to do it on that most sacred of subjects for any bushcrafter: yes, The Knife. We hear your gasps. Now read on...
At first, we feared this might cause bandwidth problems. We had, after all, been operating on the assumption that we would never have more than one concurrent user (you know who you are!). Fortunately, we've checked the fine print from our web space provider, and we think there shouldn't be a problem.
One worry still remains, however. A lot of traffic has come from the wonderful Bushcraft UK site. So, either they are laughing at us, or, more worryingly, they are under the illusion that anyone at Outdoor Idiots.com has some competence in the field of "bushcraft".
Just in case it is the latter, we have thought long and hard about how we can dispel any such illusions. And here is our answer. We've asked our most "bushcrafty" team member to do an article for us. And, we asked him to do it on that most sacred of subjects for any bushcrafter: yes, The Knife. We hear your gasps. Now read on...
My Knife
Oh. Right. Well, they've asked me to do a quick article on my knife. They were sniggering at me when they asked, for some reason that I haven't worked out just yet. Fine, well, let's get straight on with a picture:
Yes, it's my much-loved Frosts Swedish Army Knife. As you can see, I like to keep some Duck Tape wrapped around the handle. It's been like that for years. I can't actually remember why I put it there, but I seem to remember thinking it was a very good idea at the time. Here it is in detail, so you can decide for yourself:
If you can think of the brilliant reason why I put it there, please remind me.
I keep reading a lot of rot about knives, both in books and on the Internet. One thing that really gets to me is all these pictures you see of perfectly polished, smooth blades. Well, all I can say is that those knives must never have been used or sharpened! People who look at my knife tell me I should treat it better and learn how to sharpen it properly. Rubbish. Anyway, here's the logo on the knife:
When sharpening a knife, it is inevitable that you will scratch the metal a bit. And since it's impossible to keep things steady, you will also create lumps and bumps near the edge. These things are nothing to be ashamed of. Most people's knives are boring. You shine a light at the blade, and all you see is smooth metal. They act like that's something to be proud of. More rubbish! When they get bored at night, they have nothing to do. When I get bored at night, I can shine lights onto my knife blade and look at the interesting patterns. One night, I was even able to use my knife blade like a disco ball, to entertain some curious sheep.
The blade of a knife and its uses are generally very misunderstood. Here is the truth:
There you can clearly see:
- The Sharp Bit: This is the bit that can cut through things. It gets harder to cut through things as the knife gets older. Even sharpening it doesn't seem to help. I'm now at the stage where I need to carry a hammer to use with my knife. I need to hammer the back of the blade just to cut through paper. This is part of the natural ageing process of a knife.
- The Twilight Zone: Knife manufacturers like to include this part of the blade just to confuse people. I used to try to work out what it was for, until I realised this is just part of the joke. Knife makers are renowned for their superior attitudes and their desire to make fun of the lesser people.
- The Bottle Opener: This bit serves its purpose well. For best results, I always use Hoegaarden. In fact, I normally use Hoegaarden just before sharpening my knife.
Oh yes, the knife did come with a sheath, originally. I've probably still got it somewhere, but I haven't seen it for a while. A knife doesn't need a sheath. I like to carry mine with my teeth.
To ask our knife guru further questions, you could try our forums, here. He'll probably just ignore them.
If you can't be bothered to enter the forums, then shame on you! But you can still leave a comment below. Please try to avoid the profane ramblings of a madman. That's our job.
If you can't be bothered to enter the forums, then shame on you! But you can still leave a comment below. Please try to avoid the profane ramblings of a madman. That's our job.
Your Comments
On 19 March 2008, sharkbait said:brilliant, chered me up no end, i have spent 2 days trying to sharpen my knife and think i will be out of blade before i manage it. now i know to love my knife just as it is! thanks!!
On 7 February 2008, Skydish said:
When you clean up the handle and throw away the duct tape; You'll need a bit of duct tape!
On 4 December 2007, Stan the Gun man said:
0_o I had to see this fore my self, devoting the time and internet space for a Mora from Frost! Mindboggling, Im going back to Psychologi studies after this. There is more to human madness than I thought I had already seen..
On 26 October 2007, Xylaria said:
You have the same knife as me, cool. I scraped a salted rabbit hide and then washed it in bleach, it has a lovely patina of brown metal now:)
On 28 September 2007, teflon nonstick said:
Smooth blades are for mincers.
On 28 September 2007, teflon nonstick said:
Smooth blades are for mincers.
On 26 September 2007, patologo said:
You are a genius!
On 25 August 2007, id10t said:
you have ruined that knife
On 10 June 2007, urbanhobo said:
sort ya self out
On 8 January 2007, BadMike said:
Well put and very entertaining regarding your knife. In all, a sound way to look at the tool it is.
Concerning the duct tape, you probably put it there to make it stay tight and firm when keeping it "holstered". An old, excellent trick known to many Fros
On 11 December 2006, stomptokyo said:
Dman, don't breed.
On 16 October 2006, Von Wolffbagg said:
I agree with everything you have sid about your knife. Knives are to look at yourself in a morror with. Axes too. I tried to use an axe at the weekend- i made a big cut in my hand that looked like a mouth. i drank some murphys and talked to it for a while
On 7 September 2006, Mad Dave said:
Truly the best knifemeister the world has seen.... A mucky knife is a used knife :o)
On 1 August 2006, Zoro said:
and there was me thinking the pointy bit was for cleaning my fingernails! Superb keep it up....Z
On 16 July 2006, Nicklas Odh said:
If you used the knife in the military, the duck tape might have been for taping blasting caps and detcord together. Or taping the paper toilet poo bag together.
On 16 July 2006, Tutchi said:
Thats Ace well done.
On 14 July 2006, Scattergun said:
Where could one obtain such a high quality blade?? After reading your site, I must say I got wiser and understood the basics of bushcraft and knifevielding!
Thanks!
The Outdoor Idiots.com Emergency Response Team says:
Money cannot buy blades such as this. They must be nurtured into existence.
On 11 July 2006, Tom said:
Brilliant! Really!
On 11 July 2006, Dman said:
You're retarded. Hopefully this was a joke. Any good knife knut would ignore your page.
On 11 July 2006, Ash said:
That will make thousands on ebay
On 11 July 2006, The General said:
To think I thought I knew how to sharpen? Genius!
On 11 July 2006, B@rt said:
A MUST READ for the beginning knife afficionado! The pics are great and revealing. :D
On 11 July 2006, Nitram55 said:
A most insightful article, probably the best blade mantainence advice i have ever read.
On 10 July 2006, Spike said:
Bloody love it mate :oD
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