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Mouse Scissor Radio
Submitted by Liam Ryan, UK.
If you ask most outdoor types what MSR stands for, they will probably say something
silly like
Mountain Safety Research.
Liam Ryan now gives us the correct answer.
Given the sheer potential for sueage in the following article, our editor would like to point out that, ahem, "the views expressed by Liam Ryan are not necessarily those of Outdoor Idiots.com".
[Henry speaks: "Turncoat! That's not what you said when you were reading it!"]
[The Editor speaks: "Well, it's what I'm saying now! Now be quiet!"]
In a desperate and probably unsuccessful attempt to avoid being sued, we have created a special Anti-Sue1 panel at the bottom of this page.
Given the sheer potential for sueage in the following article, our editor would like to point out that, ahem, "the views expressed by Liam Ryan are not necessarily those of Outdoor Idiots.com".
[Henry speaks: "Turncoat! That's not what you said when you were reading it!"]
[The Editor speaks: "Well, it's what I'm saying now! Now be quiet!"]
In a desperate and probably unsuccessful attempt to avoid being sued, we have created a special Anti-Sue1 panel at the bottom of this page.
Mouse Scissor Radios (a.k.a. "Adventure Tools")
Anyone who has an interest in the outdoors will at some point be given one of these as a present by a well meaning but misinformed loved one. You know the situation; a non-walker goes into Cotswold Outdoor to buy you a present, and is immediately overfaced by the sheer volume of Gore-Tex and anodised aluminium. Panic sets in and they immediately evacuate to Millets2 next door, where they are delighted to find an entire rack of reasonably priced gadgets with a myriad of uses. The Mouse-Scissor-Radio beckons.About thirty years ago Viz comic, then in its infancy, published a cartoon called "Billy Boggins, Kid Inventor". Our hero spent his time creating pointless3 conglomerations of gadgets, and his finest hour came when he attached a pair of ordinary household scissors to the aerial of a transistor radio and then replaced the battery with a dead mouse. Alas he met his downfall while attempting to replace his head with a portable television, but his concept lives on in the pages of Argos4 catalogues and low rent outdoor shops everywhere.
There is no set formula for a classic Mouse-Scissor-Radio, but to be true to the accepted standard the gadget must attempt to cram at least three different items into a flimsy plastic casing retailing at less than £4.99, and must be made in China5 using harmful but crap materials. The finest M-S-Rs (not to be confused with the genuinely classy mountain brand) may include a battery in the retail price, but this should never be more than 10% charged and preferably should leak poisonous liquid all over your rucksack if you are stupid enough to actually use it.
Alas I am unable to provide empirical evidence of my personal experience of M-S-Rs as I immediately throw them in the bin if given one, but I have trawled the depths of the Internet to bring you a superb example6:
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Check it out; it's got a compass, a torch, a magnifying glass, a whistle, a mirror, a thermometer, and a "large storage area for paper money", and all for only £5. What more could you want? I'm sure that when Sir Ranulph Fiennes7 undertook his epic transpolar journey on foot a few years ago, one of these topped his shopping list. Did Ellen MacArthur8 leave hers at home when battling her way across the seven seas in her dramatic solo round the world journey? I think not.
This is a glaring example of how the whole can be worth less than the sum of its parts. Most people will pack a compass when going for a walk in the wilds, and a torch is pretty much de rigeur if you are out overnight. I can't say I've ever found the need to carry a mirror or magnifying glass in the boonies, but if I ever need to put makeup on or set fire to a spider then I'm sure I'll notice their absence. I do carry a whistle on occasion and, much as I hate to admit it, my otherwise useful watch has a thermometer on it. All these things have their uses, but roll them together in a poor quality package and they become just another bit of plastic in landfill; take no comfort in the fact that useless as these things are, they will outlast you by about ten thousand years.
Ladies, gentlemen, and idiots, I give you the Mouse Scissor Radio.
[Ray Gears speaks: "I want one!"]
[Henry speaks: "What? I thought you already had one."]
[Ray Gears speaks: "Oh. Yes. Come to think of it. Well, I want another one! Then I can survive fourteen times over!"]
[Henry speaks: "Okay then. That sounds like a plan."]
- Outdoor Idiots.com does not have anything against men or women called Sue.
- It is Outdoor Idiots.com's experience that Millets provide useful outdoor equipment and are well worth a visit, preferably immediately. Ray got some Lifeventure All Purpose Soap from there once and he's still alive.
- Outdoor Idiots.com stands behind the inventions of Billy Boggins. Apparently that is the safest place to be.
- Outdoor Idiots.com believes that Argos is good. Flossy got a very nice tent from there once and she's still alive.
- Outdoor Idiots.com believes that China's attitude to health and safety is no worse than Britain's was when it too was going through the coal age. However, Chinese tea does taste a bit like soil.
- Outdoor Idiots.com believes that the scenario must exist wherein this tool could save a life.
- Outdoor Idiots.com has no evidence to suggest that Sir Ranulph Fiennes would use such a tool. But, of course, that is not to say that Sir Ranulph Fiennes would not use such a tool. That would suggest that there is something wrong with the tool. However, if Sir Ranulph Fiennes is offended by our suggestion that he may conceivably use such a tool, then we retract everything that we have just said, whatever that was, and offer a full apology. We would also like to take this opportunity to point out that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is wonderful.
- Outdoor Idiots.com has no evidence to suggest that Ellen MacArthur would, or would not, use such a tool. Furthermore, Ellen MacArthur is wonderful.
If you object to mice cruelty, you could make your feelings about all this known in our forums, here.
If you can't be bothered to enter the forums, then shame on you! But you can still leave a comment below. Please try to avoid the profane ramblings of a madman. That's our job.
If you can't be bothered to enter the forums, then shame on you! But you can still leave a comment below. Please try to avoid the profane ramblings of a madman. That's our job.
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