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The Outdoor Idiots.com Team
Our pre-launch trial went very badly. Our test user group (who cost us a lot -
at least 11 cups of tea and a tin of biscuits) didn't like Outdoor Idiots.com.
Not one bit. They hated the original version of this page most of all. They said
our biographies would send people to sleep, and our photographs would induce vomit. So
we decided to adopt emergency web-personas.
Here goes:
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Name:
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The Editor
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Role:
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This grumpy old man runs the place. He gets the final say about
everything that appears on this site. He mainly occupies himself with shouting, sometimes even when there is nobody else in the room.
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Hobbies:
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He doesn't get out much, ever since the accident. However, when he isn't using his mouth for shouting, he uses it to smoke fat cigars.
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Tea:
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Assam. Strong, a splash of milk and no sugar.
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Catchphrase:
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"I don't have time for sugar!"
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Name:
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Ray
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Role:
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Heard of Ray Mears? Well, forget all that! This is Ray Gears, and he's the "gear-head" here at Outdoor Idiots.com. He reviews any articles that have
even the feintest whiff of outdoor gear in them.
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Hobbies:
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Nobody is really sure. He seems to spend most of his time locked in his room. Once, we found him there with a new tent. He had the thing pitched. He
said he was going to camp there for a few days, just to "test it out". He even had a stove and everything. Don't worry, we've arranged for counselling.
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Tea:
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Open-minded about tea. Not so open-minded about the equipment used to make it.
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Catchphrase:
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"Who needs the outdoors when you've got outdoor gear?!"
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Name:
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Flossy
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Role:
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Art coordinator. That's right - blame her for the naffness you see around you. She gets the
first look at any photos you send in, too.
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Hobbies:
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She's one of those militant hippy types, and she's always out campaigning for some cause or other. She's a vegetarian and she likes chaining herself
to things as a means of protest.
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Tea:
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Ceylon. Medium, plenty of milk and sugar.
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Catchphrase:
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"Legalise grass!"
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Name:
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Vic
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Role:
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He's the Outdoor Vicar. He's responsible for maintaining
a family-friendly atmosphere here at Outdoor Idiots.com. Any items you submit that
aren't suitable for all audiences will meet with his full wrath! After we've published them. Maybe.
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Hobbies:
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He loves weddings and funerals - provided they are tasteful. His main hobby, however,
is rambling in the hills. Can't usually make it on a sunday, though.
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Tea:
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Earl Grey or Darjeeling. "You wouldn't believe the dish-water some people make me drink when I call round! It's
just as well they normally give me biscuits to go with it."
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Catchphrase:
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"I didn't used to be in black-and-white. The dye must have run."
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Name:
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Henry
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Role:
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We don't need him and we don't want him. This cheeky little fella comes from the local
Cryptosporidium family -
and they're all trouble, that lot. He's just a few microns wide
but he packs a lot of hate. We can't work out how he made it on to the team. We probably
didn't filter the applicants properly. Never mind - we're working on getting him an ASBO.
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Hobbies:
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Caving and pot-holing.
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Tea:
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Iced lemon. Infused, not boiled.
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Catchphrase:
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"Don't make me sporulate. You won't like me when I sporulate."
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Sorry. Did you finish reading the About Us page?
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